A Traffic warden is being buried, when suddenly there’s banging on the coffin lid and a voice shouting ‘ I’m not dead, I’m not dead’ The vicar hears the warden and says ‘ Sorry sir,.. I’ve done the paperwork now’ Did you hear about the new sperm bank? The opening day was a disaster. Three men turned up, but two of them came on the bus and the third missed the tube A woman decides to name her children after famous film stars. When she takes her new baby boy to church to be christened, she tells the vicar she’s going to name him Orson - after the film director Orson Welles. The vicar replies ‘ Do you think that’s a good idea, Mrs Cart’ A teacher says to the class ‘ Make up a sentence with manoeuvring in it’ A little boy replies ‘ You don’t often see a man ‘oovering’ A man who works on a fairground ride is sacked for having sex on the big wheel. He’s suing for funfair dismissal A woman goes into a sex shop and says to the assistant, ‘ I’m looking for a coloured vibrator’ ‘Take your pick. All the colour ones are up on the wall’ he replies. ‘ I’d like to take this red one,’ she tells him. ‘Sorry you can’t have that one’ he replies ‘That’s the fire extinguisher’ Why are men like coffee? The best ones are warm, rich, full bodied and can keep you up all night A man goes into a chemist looking a bit shifty. ‘It’s a bit embarrassing ‘ he says ‘ I’ve got a problem down below. I’ve heard of Viagra. Is it possible to get it over the counter’ ‘Oh well’ replies the assistant taken aback ‘ If you take five or six, you might easily manage that’ Want to know how to make some holy water? You take some ordinary water and burn the hell out of it Q: What’s small, white and smells? A: A pong-pong ball After an egg-hunt on Easter Sunday, a young farm boy decides to play a prank. He goes to the chicken coop and replaces every egg with a brightly coloured one. A few minutes later, the rooster strides in, sees all the coloured eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock. David Beckham walks into a library and says ‘I’ll have a Big Mac and fries please’ The librarian replies ‘I’m sorry sir. This is a library’ Becks blushes and whispers ‘I’ll have a Big Mac and fries’ A policeman pulls a car for swerving all over the road. The woman replies ‘Oh officer. I nearly had an accident. I looked up and saw a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then I swerved to the right again and there was yet another tree in front of me. ‘Madam. That was your air-freshener’ he replied ‘Mr Brown. I have reviewed this case very carefully’ the divorce judge says ‘and I’ve decided to give your wife £400 a week.’ That’s very fair Your Honour’ the husband replies. ‘And every now and then I’ll manage to send her a few pounds myself’ An elderly couple order a burger, a portion of French fries and a coke with two glasses. The husband proceeds to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and share out the cola. A man nearby sees what’s happening and offers to buy them another meal. The woman tells him. ‘We’ve been married for fifty years and always split everything down the middle’ Her husband begins dining while she sits with her hands on her lap. The man asks the lady why she isn’t eating. She replies ‘ As I said, we share everything. It’s his day to use the teeth first’ A local reporter sees a crowd gathered around a road accident. Anxious to get a scoop he tells bystanders ‘Let me through, I’m the son of the victim’ The crowd eagerly made way for him . Lying in front of the car was a donkey One day Peters mum is cleaning her teenage son’s room. Under the bed she finds a bondage S&M magazine. She’s very upset and when Peters father gets home she hands the magazine to him and says’ I found this in your son’s room’ He looks up and hands it back without a word. ‘ What should we do about it?’ she asks Peter’s dad looks at her and says ‘ Well I don’t think we should spank him’ An angry wife meets her husband at the door. There’s alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.’ I assume there’s a good reason for you waltzing in here at six in the morning’ she snarls ‘Yes’ he replies ‘ Breakfast A teacher writes ‘I ain’t had no fun in ages’ on the blackboard. Then she says ‘ Class, how do we correct this?’ A little boy shouts out ‘Get a boyfriend miss’ A man’s walking along on a windy day and sees a boy holding a piece of string up in the air. The man says ‘ It’s a bit windy to fly a kite, son’ The boy replies ‘ Er.. It’s my dog’ What’s the nicest thing about a nudists wedding? You don’t need to ask - You can see for yourself who the best man is. Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On and On Anon A man goes to the doctors with terrible sunburn. The doctor prescribes Viagra. ‘Will this help the sunburn’ the man asks ‘No, but it’ll keep the sheets off your legs.’

more.....