The Reverend John Flapps is the pastor of a small town. One day he notices a young lady from his congregation sitting in a pub, drinking beer and getting steadily sloshed. 'Excuse me, Mrs Fitzgerald,' the Reverend says sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she slurs. Mrs Fitzgerald puts her glass on the table and stands up, but begins to weave drunkenly back and forth. As the Reverend grabs her arms to steady her, they both lose their balance and end up tumbling to the floor. The Reverend falls on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. 'Oi, mate!' the landlord says, looking over. 'We won't have any of that sort of carry on in this establishment!' The Reverend looks up at the landlord and declares: 'But you don't understand! I'm Pastor Flapps.' 'Well,' the landlord says, nodding, 'if you're that far in you might as well finish.' A little boy is at a wedding. He looks at his mum and says: 'Mummy, why does the girl wear white?' 'Because,' replies his mum, 'it's the happiest day of her life.' The boy thinks about this for a minute, then says: 'So why is the man wearing black?' A woman is throwing a party for her granddaughter and has hired a clown. Just before the party starts, two tramps show up, looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman says she'll give them a meal if they chop some wood for her. Gratefully, they head for the back garden. The guests arrive and the kids are having a great time, but the clown still hasn't shown up. Finally, he calls to say he's stuck in traffic and won't make it to the party at all. The woman's extremely disappointed. Hanging up the phone, she glances out of the back window and sees one of the tramps doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from the trees, somersaults and leaps high into the air. She calls to the other tramp: 'Your friend's amazing, I've never seen anything like it. Do you think he'd consider repeating his performance for the children at my party? I'd pay him £50!' 'Well, I dunno,' the tramp says. 'Let me ask him. Hey, Willie,' he shouts. 'For fifty quid would you chop off another toe?' A woman walks into a chemist and asks the sales assistant if they have any extra-large condoms for sale. 'Yes, madam, we certainly do,' replies the assistant cheerfully. 'Would you like to purchase a pack?' 'No thank you,' says the woman. 'But would you mind if I wait here until someone does?' Two old women are sitting at a freezing-cold bus stop. They've been waiting for ages, but there's still no sign of a bus... 'That's it!' one finally huffs. 'I've sat here so long my bum's fallen asleep.' 'Yes, I know,' says the other. 'I heard it snoring.' Judy and Sue are playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. As they approach the last hole, Judy sees her husband standing outside the clubhouse. 'He thought I'd never master this game,' Judy tells her friend, 'so I'm going to play the perfect shot.' 'That's impossible,' Sue says. 'From this distance, you'll never hit him.' Guy goes to medic and says 'when i take my pants off, my bum starts singing IS THIS THE WAY TO AMARILLO..' Doc says ' dont worry son, every asshole is singing that just now.' An old lady passes away and finds herself in St.Peters office with him ready to fill in her entry documents. She's answering all his questions when this ear splitting scream is heard from next door. old woman jumps up and says 'What in heaven's name was that'? Peter says 'relax Mary, its just another soul getting the holes drilled in her back for her angels wings'. So they carry on. After a few minutes, another blood curdling scream is heard. Mary was now scared and says 'whats happening to that poor woman now?' Peter says 'Mary, relax,they're just drilling holes in her head for her golden halo.' 'Oh No' says Mary 'if I knew it was goin to be as sore as that I would have gone down below'. Peter said 'Mary, you would not be happy with Old Nick. His place is full of rapists and sodomites'. I know fine well' said Mary 'but I already have these holes drilled A married man goes into the confessional... 'Father,' he says. '1 almost had an affair with a woman.' 'What do you mean, almost?' the priest asks. 'Well,' the man replies, 'we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest tuts... 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,' he tells the man. 'You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box.' The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest quickly runs over to him. 'Hey, I saw that,' he says. 'You didn't put any money into the poor box!' 'Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in.' A boxer needs a false eye after he's blinded by a punch, but he's dismayed to find he can only afford the wooden variety. Depressed, he becomes withdrawn and stops going out. His friends are concerned and finally convince him to join them for a night out at a club. There, he notices a shy-looking lady glancing in his direction. She has a slight hunch but is very pretty - and his own injury has taught him to disregard minor imperfections. Gathering all his courage, he asks if she would like to dance. 'Would I!' she beams, deighted to be approached. But the boxer takes offence and gets in a right huff. 'Wood eye?' be storms. 'And what about your bloody hunchback, darling?' A rather dim man named Tom wants to earn some cash. He decides to hire himself out as a handyman and starts by canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. At the first house, he asks the owner, Gerald, if he needs any odd jobs doing. 'You can paint my porch,' Gerald says. 'I'll pay you £50. The paint's in the garage.' So Tom heads for the garage. Gerald's wife overhears the conversation. 'Gerald,' she calls, 'does he realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?' 'He should,' Gerald replies. 'He was standing on it.' A short time later, Tom returns to collect his cash. 'Crikey!' Gerald exclaims. 'You've finished already?' 'Yep,' replies Tom. 'And I had some paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, Gerald reaches into his pocket for a £50 note. 'Oh, and by the way Tom adds knowingly, that's not a porch - it's a Ferrari.' What's the definition of an Australian kiss? The same as a French kiss - but down under. A man staying in a London hotel removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box. Back at the hotel, he rings the number. A woman with a silky-soft voice answers and asks if she can be of any assistance... 'I'd like a blow job,' he says, `a missionary position, then doggie style and mild bondage. OK?' `Sounds interesting,' the woman replies. `But you might like to dial nine for an outside line first.' Why is getting married like going to a restaurant with friends? Because you order what you want, but when you see what your friend has, you wish you'd had that instead! What did the right leg say to the left leg? Between you and me, we need a haircut 'I had a very distinguished career with the Royal Shakespeare Company until quite recently.' 'What went wrong?' `I misunderstood one of the stage directions.' 'Oh, which one?' 'The one that went "enter Juliet from the rear".'

more.....